Metal School Solid: Tactical Education Boredom
by Punished Snake
Summary: Legendary solider Solid Snake finds a new mission: Get a job as a teacher in order to pay the rent. T just to be safe.
1. Job Application

**Hello everyone, just before we get into the story I just want to let you all know that I may or may not own Metal Gear, either way this falls under "Fair Use" so I can't be sued. I will continue this soon, and I know there was a fanfiction like this before, but it was last updated in 2004, so I think it's safe to say I can do something like this. -Punished Snake**

* * *

"Snake, you need a job. There's not much now you can do for the time being, and the cost of living here is expensive. Not only that, but all the money you get you spend on cigarettes!" the scientist complained.

Snake growled, then said "You know, before I became a soldier, I got the necessary degrees to be a teacher, in case it didn't work out." Otacon sighed, then said "Well, I think school will start back up soon, why don't you go apply for a teaching position?"

Snake took his car keys, stood up, and said with the signature growl in his voice that only David H- I mean Solid Snake, could produce "Why not?"

* * *

"So, do you have any experience?" the man asked.

"Unless you count CQC training some younger soldiers, no."

"Any recommendations?"

"No."

"Is there a reason you want to be a teacher at Peace Frontier Middle School?"

"Other than money and the ability to scare little kids, no."

"Oh, I forgot to ask, what is your name?"

"Snake."

"SNAKE?" The man spit out his coffee.

"YOU MEAN YOU ARE THE FAMOUS SOLID SNAKE?"

"Got a problem with that?"

"YOUR HIRED!"

* * *

"Hey, Jim, there's a new teacher! Do you have the thumbtacks?

"Yup. Operation Tack Planter commencing now."

The two boys entered the classroom, and went over to the desk. They were surprised at what they saw, a miniature robot that said "REX" on the side, and what appeared to be a pistol, both placed on the desk. They took out the thumbtacks and placed them on the chair. Just as they went to leave, they heard someone growl "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Snake turned off his Octocamo and walked toward the boys with his tranquilizer gun in hand, a Ruger Mk. 2 to be exact. He then said to them "You have 2 seconds to leave my class and never return. One, two." Snake then shot them both with tranquilizer darts and dragged their bodies to the nurse.


	2. Mr Snake

Many were wondering why this old guy with a bandanna and some sort of muscle suit was their new 8th grade teacher. If I was in the situation, I would have too. But alas, I am just the wierdo in their basement writing the story. Now, back to not breaking the fourth wall.

* * *

"Hello class, my name is Mr. Oshanesse, the principal, but most of you already know that. I would like to introduce your new teacher- Mr. Snake!"

Suddenly, Snake stood up, and said "I'm no teacher. Never was, never will be. I'm just an old educator here to babysit you kids for 6 hours of your day."

"Well then." said the principal, "I think you kids are in for an exciting year. Good bye, and good luck everyone!" Mr. Oshanesse then left the room, and Snake started his patrol.

* * *

"As you are aware, I am the one stuck with you kids. I think you should delve into history fir-" Snake was interrupted by the sound of a codec call coming in.

"Otacon, what do you want?"

"I'm just letting you know that the Mark II is in the room, and I noticed that Mike is not paying attention, but has a cell phone in his desk that he is using to text someone."

"Good to know", Snake responded, then hung up.

"MIKE!" Snake yelled, and the entire class suddenly had red exclamation marks over their heads for a brief second.

"Uhhhh, yes, Mr. Snake?"

"Give me that phone you are using. NOW."

"What phone? What are you talking about?"

"Otacon, reveal yourself. "

The Mark II suddenly had its cloak turn off, revealing to be behind Mike's desk. Mike realized this, and knowing his end was near, booked for the door. Even in his old age, Snake still had amazing reflexes, and shot Mike with a tranquilizer, and had Mike sent to the nurse.

"Anyone else going to pull a stunt like that? None of you? Good. It saves me bullets. Now, back to the lesson."

* * *

Snake's version of history was a little different than what the kids had in mind. There was no text book, only Snake talking. He told all of the students to take notes, as they were to be tested at the end of the lesson. What was he teaching them? The entire details of the Shadow Moses incident.

"Mr. Snake?" John said to get the man's attention.

"What do you want?" Snake replied in his gruff voice.

"I don't think something that happened to you 8 years ago qualifies as history."

"I don't think you know that I have 15 different types of firearms and grenades on me right now."

John didn't say a word for the rest of the lesson.

* * *

"And this Mantis guy, he said 'Hit her' to me, thinking his little mind control was going to work, and I was like 'Damn right I'm going to hit that!'."

Snake was talking to another teacher in the lounge detailing his encounter with Psycho Mantis, when suddenly a familier face entered the room.

"LIQUIIIIID!"

"BROTHER!"


	3. War has changed

"LIQUIDDDDDDD!" The old solider yelled.

"BROTHA!" The, also old and supposed to be dead solider yelled.

"What are you doing here, I KILLED YOU!"

"Actually, Snake, I'm a figment of your imagination. Oh, and I saw you teaching. You're pretty good."

Liquid Ocelot then vanished.

_That god dammed medication keeps fucking with me. First I see Otacon's anime characters fucking each other when I went on his computer, now this. Wait, no that actually happened. Fuck._

* * *

Snake then heard the sound of his codec ringing in his ear.

"This is Snake. Otacon, what do you want?"

"Snake, how the hell is Liquid still alive?"

"So... he wasn't a figment of my imagination?"

"If so, he was a figment of mine as well. It would make more sense if he was a figment of our imagination, because I'm wondering how he vanished. How did he do it? It couldn't be stealth camo, he didn't give off any heat. And, it couldn't be some form of OctoCamo, because judging by his appearance and the fact that we were staring right at his last known location and there was no outline. It just doesn't add up!"

Snake then heard the sound of the bell.

"I'm not sure, but I'll find out how he did it, and kill him again. Snake out"

* * *

"Listen up. You kids need to have combat training, and the principal said we can't use real guns, so I brought in paintball guns and a friend of mine. We will conduct a plan to assault the kids 'studying' in the library and then carry it out. Class, meet Raiden."

Raiden walked in, and the class was wondering why he looked like a fucking robot.

"THIS IS JUST LIKE ONE OF MY JAPANESE ANIMES!" said the socially awkward kid at the back of the class who had eating problems and a speech impediment.

"Here's the plan." Snake briefed the children, alongside a drawing on the chalk board depicting the plan. "I climb through the ceiling, make a hole in the roof, and throw 3 smoke grenades into the library. As soon as the first smoke grenade explodes, half of you goes through the main door, the other half through the door at the side, and Raiden, you break the window at the back and get in through there. This shouldn't raise the insurances prices TOO much, but if it does then Raiden, you cover the costs."

"What?" the cyborg ninja said. "No way I'm paying for this, Snake."

"Remember that agreement you signed? About the phone line?" Snake said, a grin sprouting on his face.

"Yeah?"

"Guess what else was on that agreement?"

"God dammit Snake."

* * *

Snake crawled through the ceiling shaft and made a hole in the ceiling, big enough for him to jump down from. He threw the smoke grenades, and then when the first one exploded jumped down in perfect coordination with the students and Raiden.

He tranquilized the librarian as alongside him the kids and Raiden eliminated all of the students.

After all of the students were down, Snake took out a cigarette, and said

"War has changed. It's no longer about nations, ideologies or ethnicity. It's an endless series of paintball battles, fought by kids and students. War. War has changed."


	4. Pretty Good

**Sorry for not posting a chapter in a while, I was busy. Expect more chapters very soon. Shoutout to the guy who reviewed every chapter, nice to see at least one person is reading this goddamn story. Sorry for this chapter being so short. -Punished Snake**

* * *

"Mr. Snake, the 'raid' you conducted on the library was a little bit too much. I'm afraid I'm going to have to terminate the contract we had, so you will only do this year, and not another two."

Snake pulled out a cigar, and grunted "How exactly was it too much? All I did was help the kids use their brains for a change, I gave them a plan, they followed it perfectly."

"Some of those kids are going to need therapy." Mr. Oshanesse said, with a stern look on his face.

"Oh no, they got hit with paintballs, scarred for life, what do."

"This is your final warning, or else I will have to terminate you even more prematurely, Old Snake."

Snakes Psyche meter dropped.

* * *

Snake was talking to the kids about the basics of CQC, when Adam stood up, and said "Enough of you talking about how good you are at combat, instead, why don't you actually prove it?"

"Is that a challenge, or a threat?"

"Both."

Snake threw him a spare CQC knife after telling the other students to move away, and then got into his stance. "I don't want to be known for injuring kids, so I am going to go very easy on you. Lets see what you've got."

Snake manoeuvred around each blow that Adam tried to deal, then went in for a punch to Adam's shoulder, then his stomach. Surprisingly, Adam blocked the blow and grabbed Snake's arm and attempted to throw him over a desk. Snake broke free and kicked Adam in the leg, then punched him in the stomach and watched as he fell over.

"Was fairly easy, but I like your technique. You're pretty good. See me after school, in this classroom."

Adam then threw Snake a hand gesture, that Snake remembered seeing a while back, before being taken to the nurse.


	5. Coffee of the Patriots

"So, how did the first day go?" the otaku said, still unable to comprehend the fact that his friend, the mercenary that has destroyed numerous Metal Gears and saved the world from terrorists many times, was a 'teacher'.

"Eh, if the damn kids would keep their mouths shut it would have been a lot better. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a call."

Snake crouched and put is hand to his ear. Otacon was puzzled about what was so important he needed to use his codec, but, he's seen weirder things during his time of living with him, like the viral video of him skateboarding (he only knew it was him because he was wearing the blue bandanna that never leaves his side), and his sudden obsession with Bearded Dragons.

Snake saw a video of a Bearded Dragon doing some pretty cool shit on Otacon's computer, and immediately went out to get one. He named the reptile, quote 'Dragon Snake', and got it a mini blue bandanna. He even took it on a Philanthropy mission, which almost got them both killed because suddenly the damn thing stopped moving and Snake had to rescue it. Otacon didn't mind Dragon Snake because he would eat bugs around the house that the hacker hated, so it was a win-win situation for the both of them. Unfortunately, Dragon Snake the Bearded Dragon suffered an early demise at the hands of 'Metal Gear TOILET'.

"Hello, I want a Extra Large Hawaiian with an order of spicy chicken wings and bread sticks, along with two 2L Cokes. Yes, I want it delivered." Snake exclaimed very seriously into the codec.

Otacon rolled his eyes and left the room.

* * *

Snake approached the school. He went prone, turned on OctoCamo, and crawled toward the doors. He eyed the doors suspiciously, and after making sure no one else was there, made his way through the doors and into the teacher's lounge. What he saw there, was shocking.

"LIQUID!"

"BROTHA! I am glad you are here, so you can witness something bigger than Metal Gear, bigger than Outer Heaven, bigger than Shaq's dick upon seeing a hot girl naked! Okay, that last bit is a bit of a stretch. Behold! COFFEE OF THE PATRIOTS!"

Liquid Ocelot pointed his fingers at a coffee machine, said "Bang!" and acted like his hand was a gun, and the coffee machine turned off."  
"WHY DO YOU DO THIS?" said a sleep deprived teacher anxiously awaiting the coffee machine to turn on.

Liquid then pointed at a laptop a teacher was using, said the magic words, and the computer turned off."

"NO! MY CIV 5 GAM- I MEAN MY GRADES!"

"LIQUID!" Snake yelled, charging at Revo- I mean Liquid Ocelot.

Suddenly, they got into an intense fight. People left the room and were scarred for life, and I'm sure you would be too if you saw two old men, one without a shirt, fighting each other.

Snake of course, grabbed the upper hand, and finished off Liquid. Liquid Ocelot started crying, and in between sobs yelled "I'll _sniffle _be back!" before running out the front door and getting in his shitty Toyota.

"Ehh, whatever. See you in 5 years Liquid!" Snake yelled, before running to his classroom.

* * *

**Hey guys, quick announcement I want to make: METAL SCHOOL SOLID 2!**

"**BUT HOW DO YOU MAKE A SEQUEL WITHOUT FINISHING THE FIRST ONE", you may ask. To which I respond "It's a prequel!**

**Set during one of the Snake's time at a school. It will be extremely fucked up, and might have Drebin and Naked Snake co-exist at the same age. It may not. It may fuck up the Metal School Solid canon. It may not. Either way, I'm taking another horribly overused theme and putting my spin on it. Hopefully you will enjoy it. It will be out soon. And yes, this story will be updated just as much until I think it's a good time to end it. -Punished Snake**


End file.
